HIYAH! That was my totally awesome roundhouse kick. HIYAH! That was my totally killer kidney punch. HIYAH! HIYAH! That was me beating the crap out of a dinosaur.

Hello, I am a single, white male in excellent (EXCELLENT!) physical condition. I work out sixty-two times a day. On the weekends, I thumb-wrestle grizzly bears and participate in beard competitions all over the world. Did I mention I have a beard? Well, I do, and it’s totally awesome. In fact, it’s probably the awesomest beard in the whole dadgum world and I love it and I can cut down trees with it. Seriously. Just give me five minutes with a redwood and BZZZZZZZZ…TIMBER!!!

But enough about my beard. I also have a cowboy hat. Yeah, it’s large and black and it totally smells like my sweat. Which smells like the manliest sweat in the world, kinda like a the sweat on a lion’s ballsack—if that ballsack could kill a man with a paperclip. HIYAH!

So, yeah, I have a beard that can cut down trees and a cowboy hat that smells like a homicidal lion’s genitalia… What else? Oh, right, I also have these sweet-ass cowboy boots that could totally kill a small hippo even if my feet weren’t in them. If my feet ARE in them, my boots can kill twenty-three full-grown hippos carrying bazookas. HIYAH!

You also might have guessed that I’m a huge movie star and I once had a totally awesome show called “Walker, Texas Ranger” (and no, it’s not like “Matlock” with karate, a-holes, so shut up) and I also made like a bajillion dollars selling exercise equipment. So there! HIYAH!

Please send an email with a recent photo or I will roundhouse you in the face. HIYAH!

Greetings, attractive female citizens. Pardon me if I am a little shy, but this is the first time I have done this sort of thing. A few details about myself: I have a beard. I was born in a log cabin. I have been dead for more than 140 years, so if you’re one of those judgmental people who only wants to have relations with the living, don’t even bother contacting me.

I was the sixteenth president of the United States. My portrait is on the five dollar bill, so I literally have my own money. LOL. I am tall. Very tall, actually. Like really really tall. And I wear a top hat, so that kind of adds to the whole tallness thing. I don’t know why I wear a top hat even though I’m so tall. It’s just something I started doing as a kid and it caught on. I tried to stop wearing top hats for a while, but then I’d show up at parties and people would be like, “Abe, why no top hat? Are you too cool for top hats now? Are you going to start wearing a beret? Oooo-la-la!” And so on and so forth. It just got tiresome, so I put the top hat back on.

What else?…What else? Oh, I don’t go to the theater. EVER. So don’t even ask, okay? It’s a long story and I don’t want to get into it, but let’s just say I don’t get along with actors. Museums, poetry readings, concerts…no problem. But no theater. That’s a deal breaker for me.

Also, FYI, I’m really into role playing. I know, TMI, right? But it’s true. I’d like to dress up as George Washington and cross your Valley Forge. I’m mostly looking for NSA and maybe some light S&M with a D&D-free partner, but I’m not opposed to an LTR if it’s with the right person.

Okay, well, I’ll stop yacking about myself. I want to hear about you. So please send me a telegraph on this magical box thingy, okay? I can send you a picture as well, or you can just look at a five dollar bill. There’s also this statue of me in Washington, D.C. that’s pretty cool. It’s not a recent statue, but it’s a good likeness.

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