Chuck Norris seeks lover on Craigslist

June 16, 2010

HIYAH! That was my totally awesome roundhouse kick. HIYAH! That was my totally killer kidney punch. HIYAH! HIYAH! That was me beating the crap out of a dinosaur.

Hello, I am a single, white male in excellent (EXCELLENT!) physical condition. I work out sixty-two times a day. On the weekends, I thumb-wrestle grizzly bears and participate in beard competitions all over the world. Did I mention I have a beard? Well, I do, and it’s totally awesome. In fact, it’s probably the awesomest beard in the whole dadgum world and I love it and I can cut down trees with it. Seriously. Just give me five minutes with a redwood and BZZZZZZZZ…TIMBER!!!

But enough about my beard. I also have a cowboy hat. Yeah, it’s large and black and it totally smells like my sweat. Which smells like the manliest sweat in the world, kinda like a the sweat on a lion’s ballsack—if that ballsack could kill a man with a paperclip. HIYAH!

So, yeah, I have a beard that can cut down trees and a cowboy hat that smells like a homicidal lion’s genitalia… What else? Oh, right, I also have these sweet-ass cowboy boots that could totally kill a small hippo even if my feet weren’t in them. If my feet ARE in them, my boots can kill twenty-three full-grown hippos carrying bazookas. HIYAH!

You also might have guessed that I’m a huge movie star and I once had a totally awesome show called “Walker, Texas Ranger” (and no, it’s not like “Matlock” with karate, a-holes, so shut up) and I also made like a bajillion dollars selling exercise equipment. So there! HIYAH!

Please send an email with a recent photo or I will roundhouse you in the face. HIYAH!

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