dale bridges

People of the jury, before you make your final judgment, please hear my case!

I’m not a shut-in. Not yet. But it’s getting closer. I can see the headlines in the future: MAN DIES ON USED COUCH, BODY UNDISCOVERED FOR 3 WEEKS AND SMELLS REALLY GROSS.

Now aside from the fact that this is far too long to be a realistic newspaper headline, this is a legitimate concern. I am becoming increasingly weird and misanthropic as I grow older, and these are things that add up to weird, misanthropic events.Ergo, death by choking on an M&M while listening to Billy Joel.

My journey into shut-in territory increased a few months ago when I started having my groceries delivered. This possibility was brought to my attention by my former-drug-dealer neighbor who informed me that I could order online from King Soopers for just ten dollars.

Now, for many years, I have tried to explain to people my life philosophy. It is really quite  simple. Every decision I make is based on two opposing forces: Cheapness and Laziness. These are the yin and yang of my existence, the two powers that are continually in competition as I shuffle through this mortal coil. For instance, I don’t have a car. The last time I owned a vehicle was 1999. This is not because I am concerned about the environment and am trying to lower my carbon footprint. I wish I was such an altruistic person, but I am not.  The car was an old Bonneville that I purchased from my parents during college. At some point, I forgot to pay the registration fees, and because I didn’t want to go to the DMV and because registration fees cost money, I stopped driving the car. It sat in the parking lot next to my apartment building for almost a year with numerous yellow notes on the windshield that were placed there by my irate landlord. One day, a woman knocked on my door looking for donations for cerebral palsy research, and I gave her my car. It had nothing to do with charity. I wasn’t overly concerned about cerebral palsy. I simply didn’t want to figure out what to do with the car. Cheap and Lazy.

Therefore, when I heard that I could have my groceries delivered for ten dollars, I immediately did the calculations in my head: Ten Dollars Buys Three Meals Or One Book + I Would Have To Talk To People – Going To The Grocery Store Takes Time And Energy + Taking The Bus Costs 4 Dollars Anyhow = Laziness Trumps Cheapness In This Particular Situation.

See how that works? So now I just go online once a month and order everything I want for just ten dollars and it comes right to my door.

I’m not necessarily proud that it has come to this, but I have made the decision. If you don’t hear from me in five days, come over to my apartment and poke me with a stick.