dale bridges

Dear Mr. Wonka,

I have read one book and watched several documentaries about the inner workings of your so-called chocolate factory and, frankly, I am appalled.  Although the documentaries seem to conflict in certain areas (namely, whether you employ geese that lay enormous golden eggs or trained squirrels that shell and sort nuts), it is clear that you have no regard for OSHA regulations or federal law.  I am speaking, of course, about the short, curiously-tan men on your payroll called Oompa-Loompas.

I understand that it was necessary to close your factory to the public because your candy-making secrets were being stolen by competing chocolateers, such as Mr. Slugworth; however, did you even think about the loyal workers that you laid off in the process?  How many of those men have pulled your taffy and washed your nuts over the years?  Hundreds?  Thousands?  Wonka Bars have always been made by Americans for Americans; but now, with the stock market plummeting and the terrorists at our doorstep, you take all of the union labor out of your factory and replace them with foreigners who are willing to work for mere cocoa beans.  Does that seem fair to you?

And that’s not even the worst of it.  There’s a name for luring an entire race of people away from their homeland and forcing them to work for you without monetary remuneration.  Yeah, it’s called slavery.  Maybe you’ve heard of it. That little operation you’ve got going–the one where the workers live with you inside a walled fortress and sing happy little songs while they toil in the fields all day—that’s referred to as a plantation.

If you want to keep your candy-coated ass out of the federal penitentiary, I suggest that you turn over birth certificates and citizenship papers on every single one of your pint-sized employees this instant.  I don’t care how many Wangdoodles, Hornswagglers, and Vermicious Knids you saved those Oompa-Loompas from; you still have to pay them minimum wage.

Sincerely,

Dale Bridges

p.s. My sources tell me that you recently turned your entire operation over to one Charlie Bucket.  I hope we can expect Mr. Bucket to run a much tighter ship, because if you think the American public is going to stand for more of this type of behavior, you are nuttier than the tasty, chocolate-covered candies that you make, my friend.

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