dale bridges

It has come to my attention that many Americans do not like to travel. Specifically, it came to my attention during a certain presidential election when a certain vice-presidential candidate appeared on a certain television show and was asked by a certain television hostess why she did not have a passport. I do not know how this certain vice-presidential candidate answered the question because I got bored and changed the channel. However, I assume the answer was something like, “Blah blah blah I am a feisty young soccer mom with ambitions of becoming a puppet president blah blah blah Alaska is the greatest country in America blah blah aren’t I so feisty!

In order to avoid such embarrassing international incidents in the future, I have decided to share my extensive knowledge of foreign cultures with the American public. If you are a fortyish single mom with political ambitions well beyond your experience, please take notes.

England

Positives: English muffins. James Bond. That Henry guy. Marry Poppins. They speak English–although not very good. For instance, they call “fries” “chips” and “chips” “crisps” and “soccer” “football” and “presidents” “queens.” Maybe you should take an English class, English people!

Negatives: Jack the Ripper (serial killer!). Sweeney Todd (musically inclined serial killer!). Winston Churchill (a little bit on the chubby side!). Fox hunting. British television looks all weird for some reason. It rains all the time and people are always drinking tea and saying things like “Allo, govna!” in a way that makes you want to revolt against them.

Recommendation: Why go to Old England when we have a new one right here in Vermont?

France

Positives: French bread. French kissing. French ticklers. Nice view of Spain. Their movies have a lot of naked chicks in them. Inventors of French’s Mustard.

Negatives: Too many French people.

Recommendations: Stay home and watch “Moulin Rouge.”

Belgium

Probably not a real country.

Holland

Positives: Legalized marijuana and prostitution. That little boy on the paint cans. Double Dutch is fun. They speak English better than the British.

Negatives: Residents are too tall (makes normal-sized people feel like Danny DeVito…but not in a good way). Wooden shoes (what if your feet catch on fire?). Windmills (sooooo 1738). Can’t decide on a name for their country. Should I call you Holland? The Netherlands? Dutchistania? Make up your mind.

Recommendations: Pot is legal in California and you can find prostitutes at any sorority house in America.

Switzerland

See: Belgium

Germany

Positives: Has this totally awesome wall that runs right down the middle… What? They tore that down? Why? Oh. Stupid Ronald Reagan and his stupid Cold War symbolic gestures. In that case, um, lederhosen are kind of cool.

Negatives: Techno music. Scary porn. Men have too much body hair. Women have too much body hair. Has the word “germ” in its name. Not many kosher restaurants for some reason. David Hasselhoff.

Recommendations: Wisconsin in the winter is just like Munich, except without all that annoying culture.

And that’s pretty much all the countries in the world. Now you’re ready to hold the second highest office in the United States. Good luck!